Piss Bottles

The DC Beltway. Man, when I am locked into the Beltway, no escape is a persistent theme. Somewhere in the design, a flawless flaw exists. The busiest Beltway in our nation, yet how unforgiving and commuter unfriendly. Don't be low on fuel, don't be hungry. The Exits are a labyrinth of debacles. My goodness, you bet not have to No. 1 or No. 2 on the 495. It's relentless, it's like driving through a garbage chute. Better off holding your voidance until you come out on 95 either to the south or the north of DC. The garbage theme is propelled further by the amount of trash along the shoulders of this eight, sometimes ten, laner. All types of debris, mattresses, diapers, empty cases of Bud Light and the empty cans to match, bottom shelf booze bottles, fast food wrappers. And the masterpiece of the weary traveler...the Gatorade bottles of piss that have been thrown from a 75mph vehicle.

This is a racetrack of deprivation. But I love it. The concrete and asphalt bring driving skill. It puts your car game on 100. You gotta be creative, resourceful. I've heard of these things called spit tubes. Peeing into a container and the urine drains from the car and onto the roadway. Spit tube. The 495 is like a toilet seat in a public restroom. Don't touch it, put down some toilet paper first. Preferably two ply.

On a higher level, the inner loop and the outer loop will loop you if you let it. If you hesitate, with your hands on the wheel, those loops will beat you to your knees and keep you there if you let them. But, this is DC baby! This is the birthplace, the core of Americana, these lanes bare soldiers and gritty paper chasers. You can grow toughness in between these lanes if you control the reigns. Control, Calm, Patience.

I drew a whimsical sketch, not to scale, of the Beltway. 495 is outlined in shoestring licorice. This is how your GPS will look when en route. Red lines of jammed traffic. Most of the time, I pretend the brake lights are red bulbs on a Christmas tree but today I'm feeling the licorice vibe. Respect.